Dear Duana,
I was the victim of abuse as a child, and now I’m engaged to the only man I’ve ever really trusted. We’re both excited about spending our lives together. And we’re both ambitious—Clark aims for an engineering degree and pre-med is my goal. The best colleges for our respective fields are a six-hour drive apart, and others are pressuring us to put career first and live long distance. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out however great the distance. I’m really torn and have a lot of anxiety about this decision. What do you think?
Viv
Dear Viv,
Absence does make the heart grow fonder~from one Friday night to the next, early in courtship. But for most couples most of the time, when a move apart is in the offing once the decision to be together has been made, another adage holds sway: out of sight, out of mind. And even when LDR’s succeed they often fail. Here’s why, and what to do about it.
You’re Apart More
Couples sometimes think a LDR (long distance relationship) won’t be any big deal; “We get along so well,” they reason, “it won’t be that bad.”
Except that it probably will.
Quality time just plain isn’t enough for most couples; they need quantity, too. And both kinds of time are a lot harder to come by in a LDR. Sure, we’ve got social networking, Skype, cell phones, texting, sexting…but we evolved to need facetime, not Facebook.
And facetime is a lot more expensive when a six-hour commute is required each way.
Getting Together Costs More
When you move apart geographically, it takes more effort to make less contact. You’ve got to factor in gas costs, ever-rising. Flyer miles become more frequent, bank accounts take a beating, and being apart even costs more time because of all the planning any real-life togetherness entails. For instance, I’ve heard students say that “I’d better get all my studying done by Thursday afternoon so I can pack, drive over Thursday night, spend all the time with my sweetie on the weekend, and drive back Sunday.”
And that’s stressful. And stress is not a great friend to relationships.
Add to this the reality that college life will bring stresses of its own—stresses from outside the relationship such as low grades or loneliness caused by moving away from your family and friends, etc. Now factor in the loneliness caused by missing your honey, and it’s no wonder college students in LDR’s have higher psychological distress and depression than couples at the same campus. Just at the time you need each other most, you have each other least.
And then you might find yourselves becoming involved with someone closer to hand.
More Time With Others
I recently got email from a woman who is burning with jealousy because her boyfriend—who attends college only two hours away—has made a number of close female friends.
Fact is, most LDR couples experience an uptick in jealousy, for good reason. You’re not moving to separate deserted islands, you’re moving to hotbeds of youthful allure. Attractive Others will fill at least some of the time you and Clark must spend apart. Most affairs begin with a Friendship that progresses to More, usually without plans to cheat. And when you’re both feeling lonely and stressed, you not only have time and opportunity for Friendships…you might also have the motivation to open up to someone new.
Hence the above letter-writer’s jealousy—and the high risk of breaking up. Even among the married, the divorce rate doubles once geographic distance is thrown in. Living apart is tough, and married or dating couples who endure separations say they’re less intimate and less happy with their relationships.
As the old song says, If you can’t be with the one you love, Honey, love the one you’re with. It’s advice a lot of folks have followed.
Idealization Versus Reality
But let’s say you and Clark make it through years apart and reunite. After all, some couples sustain their bond over the miles and months. What then?
Then, unfortunately, the risks aren’t over. One in three LDR partners break up within three months of reuniting.
I would have thought those couples were golden if they could brazen out a lengthy separation, but a series of studies led by Laura Stafford shows why that’s wrong: Couples apart interact differently than couples together, and that pattern of interaction can create an ideal the real can’t match.
Turns out, couples in LDR’s tend to behave in ways that create an ideal—putting their best face forward, presenting only their positives, sharing just the good news, and avoiding topics that could lead to arguments. After all, who wants to mar their one weekend together with a fight? As an acquaintance said, “We got along great as long as I was only home one weekend a month. It was party time. We didn’t really deal with anything, just had fun. But when I came home for good, we weren’t ready to admit we had problems, let alone deal with them.”
They divorced.
So, Viv, here is what I think:
I think you’ve found someone so right for you that he has gradually won your total trust—no small thing when you’ve been abused. I think it would be a shame to jeopardize that.
I think that in a solid marriage, both people put their partner and the marriage first to the extent possible.
I think there are plenty of colleges around the USA with good engineering programs *and* good pre-med programs.
I think I want to protect you from some potentially heartbreaking advice. The “things work out if they’re meant to” idea is statistically unsupported. Either that, or couples who live apart are meant to break up a lot more than people who stay geographically near.
Not everyone gets the chance to decide to live together after marriage; our military members are case in point. But you and Clark can have it all—the good programs and the great marriage.
I hope you will do what it takes, and make it together as you jointly achieve your dreams.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by LoveScience Media and Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2012.
Related LoveScience articles:
Geographic distance as a dating *advantage*: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/absence-illness-making-the-heart-grow-fonder.html
Affair-proofing your relationship: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/affair-proofing-your-marriage-fidelity-20.html
Which guys cheat? http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/keeping-him-faithful-10-five-guys-to-watch-out-for.html
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Laura Stafford, for many studies of those in LDR’s. It was her and her research team that found that LDR couples idealize each other and perpetuate the ideal via their behavior, minimizing topics that could lead to disagreement, that one in three LDR partners break up within 3 months of reuniting, and that some couples have a hard time readjusting to a loss of personal autonomy following the reuniting.
Ronald R. Rindfuss & Elizabeth H. Stephen, for research titled “Marital cohabitation: Separation does not make the heart grow fonder.” They found that married couples in LDR’s are 2x likelier to divorce within three years of reuniting than those living together during the entire timeframe.
Gregory T. Guldner for research showing that college students in LDR’s are more psychologically distressed and depressed than students who are geographically near their partners. And he’s written a book advising people who are in LDR’s—I have not read it but found the reviews enlightening in themselves.
Roger VanHorn and others for research showing college students in LDR’s have lower levels of relationship satisfaction than do the geographically near.
Rowland S. Miller, for writing his new edition of Intimate Relationships and reviewing recent research on LDR’s therein.
Thomas N. Bradbury and Benjamin R. Karney, for their Intimate Relationships textbook that reviews different research—but research that reaches the same conclusions as Miller’s review did.