Dear Duana,
I feel like I can’t breathe. I thought after I married her son and had a baby, my mother-in-law Cheryl and I would have more in common and could share things. It has only gotten worse. My husband and I are currently living with his parents as we save for our house. We’re grateful for the help, but Cheryl constantly tries to tell us what to do. She nags at us when we don’t eat a certain food she likes: “Why don’t you guys like to eat (blank)? You should eat it! Try it!” And so on. She tries to tell us what she thinks we have done wrong, what she doesn’t like, etc. It’s gotten so bad that when my husband gets home, he goes up to our room and stays there.
I would love to have a stronger bond with Cheryl, but we’re driving each other crazier than ever. I tried asking her not to tell us how to do things. Nothing I say seems to work. I fear we’ll end up hating each other, and our dynamic is driving my stress through her roof. Help!
Angela
Dear Angela,
Congratulations on your marriage, baby, and saving for a home. The irony of beautiful life events is that any one of them brings pressure and pleasure. Pile them all on at once and add living with his parents, and you’ve got a stresstival.
Yet you can improve things with Cheryl. To see how, glance at this video of pigeons playing Ping-Pong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGazyH6fQQ4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And this one of rats playing basketball (plot spoiler, Rachel smokes Sally):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drnnulHw5CM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
And then ask yourself, “What does my mother-in-law have in common with rats and pigeons?”
A lot. We all do. Everyone, from pigeons to Polynesians and rats to Russians, learns in surprisingly similar ways. And knowing how can have you breathing easily again— whether or not Cheryl has any idea you’re doing this.
Step 1: Pick The Behavior You Want To Replace
Right now you’re so upset, it might seem like everything about Cheryl is wrong. But you can’t change an entire person, just specific behaviors, and it works best if you choose one at a time. So start by identifying which behavior you want to alter. In this case, let’s say you’d like Cheryl to nag you less.
But it’s not enough to decide what you don’t want; you must begin with the end in mind, defining what you *do* want. For instance, would you be satisfied if Cheryl replaced nagging with positive or even neutral conversation? Excellent.
Step 2: Skip ‘The Talk’
It’s better that Cheryl *not* know what you’re up to. Although learning via operant conditioning happens with or without our conscious awareness, telling Cheryl will likely create even more tension. Plus, you don’t have to talk to people to change their behavior.
Wait. What did I just say?!?
You. Don’t. Have. To. Talk. To. People. To. Change. Their. Behavior.
It may be against every piece of advice you’ve ever heard, but it’s true. In experiment after experiment, pests and people alike learn according to the consequences of our behavior.
To wit, you can tell a pigeon, “Hey, I’ll give you some food if you peck that ball across this table,” but the pigeon won’t play. Ditto saying, “Put the ball through your own hoop, Rachel Rat, and there’s a pellet in it for you.” Even if birds and rodents could understand English, learning mostly works via consequences—not discussions about what will happen in the future.
Of course, humans have the faculty of speech and anticipation, and sometimes we learn and change after nothing but a conversation. But is discussing things with Cheryl working well for you?
Okay, you’ve got it: The consequence is the thing. Now what?
Step 3: Skip The Punishment
Actually, a lot of folks already believe consequences shape behavior; it’s one reason punishment is so popular. Maybe you’ve even tried it with Cheryl, by yelling or arguing or having your husband intervene after she nags you.
And in numerous experiments, punishment really can stop an unwanted behavior like nagging. But only if two conditions are met:
—The nagging is *always* punished.
—The nagging is *immediately* punished.
Unfortunately, that’s just too high a standard for mere mortals to attain. We can’t catch every single offense, and if we could, it would be exhausting to punish it all. And punishment has its downsides. It doesn’t say what *to* do, for one thing—just what to avoid. Even if it stopped Cheryl’s nagging, it would be at the price of destroying what closeness you’ve got left, because you’d be associated with so much negativity in the process. And punishing your mother-in-law flies directly in the face of the prime dictum of relationship research to behave with kindness and respect.
But there’s good news for you. Although you will need to halt any Discussing and Punishing you might have tried, there’s a highly effective behavior you can replace it with: Reward.
Step 4: Praise What You Like, Ignore What You Don’t
Behaviors that get rewarded get repeated, and behaviors that get ignored go away.
That’s not my idea, it’s the well-established foundation for training whales to leap out of water, movie animals to play dead, dogs to sit/stay, and school kids to raise their hands.
It works on adults too, and unlike punishment, it works even when you only reward behavior sometimes; ask any gambler who’s still tossing silver into the slot machines, any fisherman who’s holding eternal hope, and any jilted lover who’s checking their cell every minute or so.
How does this look in the real world? You’ve got to become super-attuned when Cheryl is *doing what you want*. It’s human nature to zone out when Cheryl isn’t bugging you, and then to notice and react punitively when she’s a pill. But if you want her to become more pleasant more often, it’s time to turn that dynamic on its head.
So when she’s nagging, simply look away, direct your attention elsewhere, leave the room—in a neutral way, withdraw all your attention.
And when she is speaking to you neutrally or positively, reward that as often as you can: Stop what you are doing and pay keen attention to her, nod your head, smile, make eye contact, give her a hug, tell her “I really appreciate you,” “I love that idea,” “You’re right,” “I’m loving talking with you,” “You are really so much fun,” “We should go to lunch later on,” “You’re a fantastic grandma,” and/or some combination. Rats and whales will work for food. People work for attention and praise.
Upshot? You may feel like a heel for rewarding your mother-in-law using the same principles used to train Shamu. And even these techniques won’t result in perfection, because we are only human after all.
But by subtracting awkward conversations, eliminating punishment, ignoring the behavior you dislike, and adding attention and praise when you’re being treated as you wish, you’re getting much more than what you want in the moment. You are building a positive, kind, and respectful relationship with your baby’s grandma. And even if she might object to your methods if she knew them, I doubt she will object to the happiness that results when people get praised.
Love works, even when we’re having to work at it.
Cheers,
Duana
The following LoveScience articles are related to today’s post:
Mama’s boys and men who put Mama #1:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/mommas-boys-the-good-bad-and-ugly-of-loving-a-man-who-adores.html
New babies, their impact on marriage, and what to do about it:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/babies-marriage-the-real-impact-and-what-to-do-about-it.html
Kindness and respect and its absolute necessity in relationships; plus, how to have Discussions:http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/dealing-with-your-difficult-man-1.html
The author wishes to thank B. F. Skinner and Edward Thorndike. Thorndike’s law of effect that rewarded behavior tends to recur and punished behavior tends to decrease, was thoroughly explored in the experiments B.F. Skinner later conducted and enumerated in the theory of operant conditioning. From dolphins to dogs to Dauphins, we are all learning via operant conditioning. You can read more about Drs. Skinner and Thorndike and operant conditioning here: http://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her atduana@lovesciencemedia.com. All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2013.