Dear Duana,
I’ve been happily partnered with Michael for the past 17 years. Straights who know us are surprised by how long we’ve been together, or they want to know the secrets to our success. I’m not sure I know what we’re doing differently, if anything. Are there really differences between gay and straight long-term relationships?
Steven
Dear Steven,
Congratulations! You found a good man before I did. Even better, you’ve kept your relationship alive and thriving for many years. What have you and Michael got going on—and how unusual is that? As we’ll see, I’m not the only straight person who could learn a thing or two from you and your partner.
Fair Fights And Faster Make-Ups
Almost everyone argues about the Big 3 issues of money, housework, and sex—but how fairly and effectively you argue may depend on your sexual orientation. In the 1990’s, John Gottman began videotaping gay, lesbian and straight couples arguing; the couples came in every year for a dozen years, and the results are highly instructive.
Heterosexuals regularly engage in relationship-destroying, disrespectful communication strategies such as verbal attacks, character assassinations, domineering behavior, and belligerence. But most G/L partners argue as if they’ve already read and mastered Gottman’s instructions for saving and enhancing relationships. They start the sore subject in a gentle way that leads to cooperation rather than defensiveness. They accept their partner’s influence readily, behaving as if the other person just might have a point. They use humor, affection, and loving touch frequently even in the heat of the disagreement. And they let go of the argument and any lingering negativity a lot faster than straights.
Similarity breeds contentment, so perhaps being the same gender makes it easier to take the other’s viewpoint. Or maybe a basic biological distinction between G/L’s and straights helps the former group: Physiologically, a high heart-rate when arguing *benefits* G/L’s investment in their relationship. But high heart-rates undermine straights’ prospects for staying together.
Sex, Fabulous Sex
In the 1970’s, Masters and Johnson enticed hetero- and homosexual couples to voluntarily have sex in their lab. Live. In front of clipboard-carrying scientists. And they got plenty of comers.
You might expect that folks who’ll get busy under such conditions possess super sex skillz, wielding them with abandon. But you’d only be right about the G/L couples.
From M&J to today, G/L couples don’t jump to the refrain; they sing the whole song. Operatically. With moans, and slurpy sounds, and nuance, and “That feels amazing!”s. Reveling in The Tease, they draw out their partner’s every scintillating sensation, delaying orgasm as long as possible, and paying attention to all parts of their sweetheart’s body in an ethic that might be summed up:
‘Tis (almost) better to give than to receive.
Straights? Notsomuch. Even the presumably uninhibited types in M&J’s scientific peep shows were much more inhibited and goal-oriented than the G/L couples. Heterosexual men shoved women towards climax so it became more job than joy; women hopped on men’s peni like ducks on June bugs, ignoring the rest of the male body. Both seemed in a rush to reach orgasm, already:
Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.
Maybe it’s a lot easier to know what works if a couple shares all the same biological equipment, but most likely, the same-sex advantage has more to do with communication. In Gottman’s 35+ years of research, straights speak about sex rarely, reluctantly, and vaguely—so vaguely, a third party can have no idea of what’s being said. But G/L couples talk easily, often, openly, honestly, and *clearly* about sex, both in and out of bed. They specify what rings their bells, and they don’t get defensive if they’re the ones who could be doing something else to become the bell-ringer. Win-win.
Less Than A Lifetime?
With fighting, fairness and the other F going for you, it’s little wonder Gottman concluded that “in 200 years heterosexual relationships will be where gay and lesbian relationships are today.” Yet despite these tremendous advantages, G/L relationships usually end sooner than straights’. Why?
Nobody knows for sure, but the absence of supportive social institutions and the presence of stress probably play starring roles.
Every union has times where the going gets tough and people consider going. But in the USA, it’s typically only straights who have the support of institutions that carrot-and-stick them into staying ‘til good times return. These include powerful social and legal benefits that come with getting and remaining married; equally powerful sanctions against divorce; and kids. Various sources find that at least 1/5th of G/L couples are raising kids, compared to almost half of straight couples—and research shows very clearly that people do try harder, for longer, when young children are present.
Yet even in countries offering full legal protection to G/L unions, they’re still more likely to dissolve. For instance, a Swedish study found that 30% of the lesbians and 20% of the gays broke up in a 5-year timeframe—compared with 13% of straight couples. And that probably has to do with stress.
Simply put, stress rarely helps relationships, and it’s stressful living in a still-homophobic world. Kissing hello, hugging, holding hands, keeping a photo of Sweetie on your desk—small daily acts that help bond straights can have sinister repercussions for many G/L couples. Even in today’s more accepting climate, G/L’s commonly encounter bigotry, discrimination and even violence, usually at the hands of men who mistakenly believe homosexuality is a bad choice—something you could change if you wanted, like having a mullet, or driving a Yugo.
Often, the stress comes from feeling hated by one’s own. About a third of G/L people interviewed by The Kaiser Family Foundation in 2001 had been rejected by their own families because of their sexual orientation. Not surprisingly, some would rather keep their families and fake being straight, or at least not openly acknowledge they’re gay. Which leads to yet another stress-fest: Having one or both members of a couple either dealing with loss of the family that usually tries to keep straight marriages together; or living somewhere between the Closet and the light of day.
Steven, how you’ve navigated all that and emerged to ask this question, I don’t know. But I thank you for an enquiry that can teach the world a lot—not only about acceptance, but about the path to great and lasting love. Congratulations again, and may you and Michael have many more years of happiness together.
Cheers,
Duana
* G/L stands for gay or lesbian
Related LoveScience articles:
Why gay men sometimes hide their sexual orientation (data on bigotry and discrimination included)
Hidden sexual orientations, ‘mixed’ marriages with one straight person and one gay person, etc.
How to start arguments so you win—and the relationship does, too
How (and why) to accept your partner’s influence—and why an elevated heart rate is bad for straight relationships:
Do opposites usually attract—or detract?
The author wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
John Gottman and The Gottman Institute, for the only longitudinal research to watch couples of various orientations have an argument—then measure not only the couples’ attitudes and behaviors over a dozen years in those arguments, but also measure how upset they were physically, as with their heart rate. As you will know from other LoveScience articles, Gottman has been collecting information on straight couples for over 35 years, and I’ve often recommended his books. He’s the gold-standard for information on what makes long-term relationships—gay or straight—succeed or fail.
The quotation from Gottman I used came from an interview he participated in for his university’s newspaper in 2003; it is no longer available, but this link (also to an interview in that paper) also summarizes the research.
For Gottman’s scientific paper on the differences in how gay/lesbian versus straight couples deal with conflict over time, please refer to this link.
For Gottman’s book on how to improve communication to save long-term straight relationships, look here. Although this book was written based on heterosexual’s data, most of the information would apply to any union.
Thomas Bradbury and Ben Karney, for their extensive overview of recent, scientific findings about the similarities and differences between long-term gay/lesbian and straight unions—including sources of stress unique to same-sex relationships, and Kaiser Family Foundation data on rejection of G/L’s by their families.
Gunnar Andersson and others in 2006, for their research on dissolution of gay, straight and lesbian married/registered relationships in Sweden and Norway—countries with full legal protection regardless of orientation.
Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. Delamater, for an overview of science about the similarities and differences between gay, lesbian and straight couples, including the things *everyone* fights about: money, housework and sex. You can read more in their textbook, Understanding Human Sexuality, 11th edition.
Robert Crooks and Karla Baur, for reviews of the most recent data about the differences in sexual expression found in gay, lesbian and/or straight couples; you can find out more in their book Our Sexuality, 11th edition.
William Masters and Virginia Johnson, whose landmark publication Homosexuality in Perspective
Mary Roach, whose book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and LoveScience Media, 2011