By Jennifer McIlwee Myers, Aspie At Large
Back when I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, it wasn’t the buzzword it is now. Today, most people have heard of Asperger’s and some even have a vague idea of what it is.
We Aspies have some fun traits: we develop socially far more slowly than typical people – the rule of thumb is we are socially and emotionally as mature as someone 3/4 of our age. We have little innate ability to figure out the 80% of human communication that is non-verbal. We struggle with reading people, making eye contact, and effective communication – all crucial components of an activity that is daunting even to the most able members of society: dating.
Yet though we Aspies have a more severe case of human foibles than the average person, there is good news. All of the dating strategies that work for us Aspies work pretty well for humans in general.
1. Accept the Possible – and Cancel the Pity Party
It’s a simple fact: dating is not a fun process, and it’s even harder for people with Asperger’s than for most. It’s tempting to spend hours online moaning that “It’s soooo hard to date when you have Asperger’s! It’s not fair! I can’t possibly take all this rejection!”
Yes, we’ve all had the pity parties involving Ben, Jerry, and Alanis Morissette. Including me. Woe is I!
But difficult does not mean impossible, and self-pity and moping are seriously damaging to your prospective lovelife. The sooner you get this through your head – Aspie or not – the easier your dating life will be.
2. Shake Off Rejections – Dating is Work, and Rejection Is Part of the Job Description
Humans of all types have trouble with dating; almost everyone has been, will be, or is currently being rejected. And disabilities in general, particularly Asperger’s, can mean more rejections.
This is why one of the most vital skills you can develop is the ability to shake it off. One thing that helps me is remembering a sign my dad had posted in his office for his entire working life: “Rejection is part of your job description.” If it takes 200 noes to get to yes, then you collect your noes and keep going.
One of the most important things you need in the dating world is persistence – *if* you don’t take it too far. Which leads to the next vital thing to remember about dating with Asperger’s:
3. Do Ask Her Out – But Don’t Be Stalker-Guy
Aspies, regardless of gender, are really good at sticking to a problem until we solve it. We spend late nights debugging code; we are up in the wee hours poring over engineering references.
But human beings are not computer programs to debug, nor engineering issues to sort out. It’s vital – especially for guys – not to get so hung up on one person that you spend your life going on imaginary dates with someone who is not, in fact, into you.
The rule is: you get to ask a woman out no more than three times before you move on to the next one. And no hedging. If you ask her to get a cup of coffee with you during the day or to grab a beer after work, that counts.
Do not mess with this formula by failing to ask her out. Spending eight months mooning over someone who has no way of knowing you’ve chosen her, or hanging around hoping she’ll suddenly notice Prince Charming beneath her nose is creepy and wastes your time. Ask her out, and whether she blatantly shoots you down or simply declines with vague excuses, after three noes, just walk – don’t stalk – away.
4. Mate Shop Where Your Interests Are – and Use the Friends and Family Plan
My husband and I met at a science fiction and fantasy book discussion group. Other Aspies I know have met at ComicCon, in local computer user groups, and while working at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena.
Don’t wait around for someone to drop into your life; drop yourself into life instead. The #1 way people – Aspie or not – find a mate is through connections they’ve made in the environments they function well in – work, worship, activities, or through mutual friends.
Staying home pining, or wistfully dreaming of the departmental secretary you’ve only spoken to once, will keep you single. Joining group activities tied to your own special interests means you’ll not only dramatically increase your odds of meeting someone; when you do meet, s/he will share your interests.
But what if you’re a straight guy whose interest is model trains? After all, hanging out with a group that consists mostly of retired guys doesn’t seem like a great way for a fellow to meet female persons of the girl persuasion.
In that situation, you need to plug into the Friends and Family Network. When you connect to a group of people who share your interests, over time you can also build connections to their families and friends, and you can ask those families and friends to introduce you to people you might match with. Women in particular love matchmaking – and your all-male club will include members with mothers, aunts, sisters, daughters and friends who are non-male. Similarly, an all-female club will have members connected to non-female members.
Developing social connectedness and tapping into that network is not an instantaneous or easy process, but it really works! What makes it truly worthwhile is that getting connected, even just a little at a time, builds the exact skills that are necessary to successful relationships.
Friendship skills *are* relationship skills, and don’t you forget it. If you can maintain friendships, you can shine in the dating world, Aspie or no.
[Note: Failing to implement Steps 1, 2, and 3 makes it mighty hard to make the all-important Step 4 work for you. Nobody wants to fix up a friend with a whiny, self-pitying stalker. Seriously.]
All that said, using this Plan is a choice. After giving a talk to a group of teens with Asperger’s, one young guy laid this on me:
“None of what you said will work. I don’t have any interests that there are clubs for, and I don’t like multi-user video games – I only play solo games. I don’t want to do volunteer work because it doesn’t relate to anything I like. There are no social groups of any kind that would interest me. It just won’t work.”
He was right. Once he’d decided it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t work. If you won’t try, you won’t succeed. If you try, you at least have a shot. It’s simple logic.
And that’s the most important part of dating with *any* disability – or no disability. You have to give it a shot, get back up when you’ve been knocked down, and be kind enough to yourself to give yourself that second and third chance if earlier attempts fail.
It’s almost as if we disabled folks are, you know, human. Which means that dating is hard for us.
At least we’re in good company.
Jennifer McIlwee Myers, Aspie At Large, is the author of How to Teach Life Skills to Kids with Autism or Asperger’s
She successfully navigated the dating world and married the love of her life in March of 1994. She wishes to thank the following scientists and sources:
Tony Attwood, Ph.D., founder of the Brisbane Autism Research Centre
Simon Baron Cohen, Ph.D. director of the Cambridge Autism Research Centre
Temple Grandin, Ph.D.
How To Win Friends and Influence People
Social Psychology
The popular works of
Ms. Myers’ brother Jimmy, without whom she would know nothing about autism and Asperger’s
Related Love Science articles:
How to tell she’s just not that into you: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/how-to-tell-shes-just-not-that-into-you-or-captain-clueless.html
Q&A for telling she is/isn’t that into you: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-for-how-to-tell-shes-just-not-that-into-you-or-captain-cl.html
Geographic nearness as *the* #1 predictor of whom we’ll wed or bed: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-why-better-than-nothings-arent-1.html
Why mooning around over someone who doesn’t know you exist—or who does, but doesn’t really want you—is much worse than having nobody at all: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/why-better-than-nothings-arent.html
The fact that many a guy (Aspie or not) does want his girl Friend to become his girlfriend: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/can-men-and-women-really-be-just-friendsand-nothing-more.html
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All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., 2011