Dear Duana,
I’ve been dating Cal for half a year, during which he’s introduced me to his parents and taken me on weekends with his friends. He hasn’t called me his girlfriend, hasn’t said he loves me and hasn’t asked to be exclusive, but his friends said Cal talks about me more than anyone else he’s dated. We have great sex, but there’s never a mention of the future. Finally I couldn’t stand the confusion anymore. I sent him an “I love you, do we have a future?” text message. He became very distant and (eventually) sent this reply: “Hey, Sweetie. I don’t want to tell you this, but although I care for you it’s not on the level that you care for me. I don’t want to hurt you, you’re great. I just don’t see a future together.” He hasn’t asked to see me again. His response has me more confused than ever. What’s your interpretation and advice?
Julie
Dear Julie,
There’s a gold standard for confusion, and it’s this: inconsistent words and actions. Cal had ‘em. Simultaneously affirming and denying your relationship, he juxtaposed opposite impulses—avoiding terms of commitment while using terms of endearment; introducing you to important others but failing to reference the future to you; and spending six months’ time on something he didn’t define.
Anytime a person’s words and actions fail to align, that’s a huge Caution sign. Inconsistency not only creates painful confusion, it may also mask serious mental illness, unsavory secrets, character flaws, insecure/avoidant attachment styles, or—at best—indecision. All are unfavorable to the relationship’s prospects. Be warned: Confusion is your cue to open your eyes and find out what’s going on, because *something* is wrong.
How to proceed with Caution: Take The Roads Less Traveled
There are multiple routes towards heeding the Caution sign. Under Roads Less Taken designation are these:
Approaches #1-3 Work. They elevate your status, avoid the taint of clingy desperation, and create all-important clarity –his and yours— regarding the core question: Does he love you, or not?
Then there’s the Road Most Traveled—which I would have advised you to avoid:
4. Tell a man you love him before he’s ever told you, and directly ask him whether a commitment is forthcoming.
Your choice of this technique is thoroughly understandable. After all, women are socialized and may even be biologically wired to be more verbal than men. We gravitate towards communication to solve problems, and we’ve been told it’s dishonest game-playing to use Routes #1-3. Plus, asking is the most straightforward path to an answer.
Trouble is, men tend to label such honest women as nuts or sluts, punishing the directness many claim to honor. Indeed, research shows that Direct Questioning is more likely to get you the answer you don’t want to the Do-You-Love-Me-Where’s-This-Headed query: No/where.
Which is where you are now per Cal. For several months, his words and actions were genuinely confusing, but no more. Now, everything lines up; painful though it is, he is not pursuing you and he does not want this. He isn’t in love with you. Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. It’s hurtful, but it’s clear. If you hang in there or do anything at all to keep Cal around, he might use you as a booty call. He might keep you for a convenient, fun-for-now thing. But you will not court him and win your way into his heart. Evolutionarily, men have the right of pursuit, just as women have the right of refusal. I hope you’ll refuse to invest anything more in Cal.
The Road Ahead
And this is the part where I tell you not to flog yourself for having been direct. The fact is, you got what you needed the most—clarity—and you got it quickly. You showed tremendous bravery in intentionally (and soonly) facing a truth many women trade years of their lives to avoid. You saved yourself wasted time, the only thing we can never regain, and a commodity crueler to women than men as age comes on.
Your next move, in my opinion, should be moving *on*, accepting that things are over with Cal. Settling for a man who doesn’t love you is, I hope, not an option, not even when you love him. One-sided love isn’t good enough. Go back out there and date someone who proves himself enthusiastic about you—who clearly shows you, in word and in deed, that you’re It for him.
You may encounter a few more Caution signs on the way there. But next time, you’ll know and hopefully take the Roads Less Traveled. I wish you well on the journey.
Cheers,
Duana
Related LoveScience Articles:
Much of the science in this article has already been summarized elsewhere at LoveScience, and you can find it under this tag. I also highly recommend David Buss’ outstanding book, The Dangerous Passion: Why jealousy is as necessary as love and sex.
Roads 1 and 3, Walking Away
Road 2, Creating Jealousy
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/winning-him-backwith-jealousy.html
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/qa-from-winning-him-backwith-jealousy.html
Road 4, Why there’s never been a perfume called Desperation
Don’t Settle!
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/settling-101-traits-for-a-mate.html
Men: How do you tell *she’s* just not that into you?
Do you have a question for Duana? Please email her at Duana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All content copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011.