Dear Duana,
All I want for Christmas is to get married or at least engaged. Alex and I fell in love right when we met. We were that romantic couple who were always cuddling, kissing, staring in each other’s eyes, all gushy-mushy, and we are still very much in love. I was hard-to-get at first, but four years later we have a baby girl and still no ring! I don’t want a big ring, and I’ve said so, but he seems to take that as, “She wants a huge ring.” So honesty isn’t working and I think he’s waiting to get rich before he proposes! When I ask if he ever thinks of marrying me, he says yes with a big smile and embraces me, but I’m just wondering…WHEN? Am I being impatient? And what can I do? I read your letter to Helen about becoming high-status, but I can’t just up and leave now that I’m a mom.
Darcy
Dear Darcy:
Congratulations on wanting a man more than a ring, and a marriage more than a wedding. And kudos on your baby and on the shelter of two parents who love her.
But please nix any guilt you may feel about your impatience for full commitment. If anything, waiting for a proposal until after your baby’s birth qualifies as far too patient! In the USA, it remains true that just about everything Good—health, money, stability, longevity, fidelity, satisfaction, and success not only for the couple but for their kids—comes to those who wed. But not to those who wait. The least-happy, least-lasting marriages tend to be between couples who cohabited for a lengthy timeframe before saying I Do; seems some who try out their relationship for a long time pre-vows continue trying it out afterwards. Yet couples who move in only after setting a wedding date, and couples who get married without living together first, are among the happiest- and longest-wed.
Families need the endless time horizon that utter commitment brings. The time horizon on merely living together is too uncertain, preventing a lot of the mutual investment in each other and in your child that people engage in only when they feel they have no expiration date. Without that total confidence, instead of having each other’s backs, it’s more like protecting your own, which drains resources of time, money and love away from the relationship.
Upshot? Research supports your desire to get married—not merely engaged—and to do it *now*. Yet science hasn’t presented many options for getting there in your scenario. The trouble is, you’re not in a good position to deploy high-status courtship moves any longer, because you’re not courting. Elvis has left the building. The horse is out of the barn. The baby’s out of the…um…
So keeping in mind this next part is my opinion and that you should leverage what you know about Alex to plan the details, here’s my advice:
Stop waiting for a marriage proposal, and Do It Yourself:
Approach your sweetie when he’s in a good mood and the baby’s asleep and you’re looking sexy. Or (remembering what life is like with babies) if just two of those three things occur simultaneously.
Wrap your arms around Alex, give him a deep kiss and a good, long sexy look in the eye, and say, “So, I know what I want this Christmas, and it’s only one thing. It doesn’t cost much, but it’s really valuable. It would make me happier than anything else in the world.”
From your longer letter, it’s clear this man adores you and has either lost a sense of urgency that you need a marriage, and/or he’s gained a sense that you need a huge ring he can’t currently afford. So when you say this, he’s likely to say, “Anything, Sugar. What is it?”
Then you smile and hug him and reply, “The Friday before Christmas, I want a special day. I want you and me and the baby to dress up and go down to the justice of the peace and get married. I want us to become a family in all ways, and our marriage will be a Christmas gift that celebrates our whole family—you, me and our baby. Please say yes!” [You might opt to present him with a box containing photos of two very inexpensive wedding bands.]
Will this involve some sacrifice on your part? Yes. It means the engagement ring may be an anniversary band years later; the big wedding may be a recommitment ceremony at your 10thanniversary. It means letting go of the fairytale where the guy kneels and proposes.
But it also means getting something priceless: Commitment for your entire family. You’re a mom now, with the long view of life motherhood often brings. Take that long view~solidify the union with this man you love, father to your child. And let the details—not your family—wait.
Merry Christmas to you all, and all the best on a very happy future.
Cheers,
Duana
Update:
Wise Readers, I received this letter over a year ago, and Darcy was still considering what to do, when Alex started the discussion that made my advice unnecessary:
At a moment when the baby was asleep, they were both in a good mood, and they were snuggling in bed, Alex asked, “Do you still want your present that you’ve been waiting for?” meaning an engagement ring. Darcy replied, “I’m not sure if I want it anymore.” He said, “Huh, why not?” Then, in Darcy’s words, “I kissed him deeply and hugged him and said, ‘Well I just don’t want something to be given to me ‘cause that person feels like they HAVE to….I want it to be because you voluntarily want to and ‘cause you love me and our daughter and want to stay committed to us forever.’ He then looked straight into my eyes and said, ‘I know it’s something that you do want and something that I want too. Don’t worry, you’ll be getting a nice surprise soon enough.’”
And what do you know? A few days later, at a party in front of their baby girl and Darcy’s parents, he knelt down and proposed.
Darcy said yes.
Do you have a question for Duana? Write to her atDuana@LoveScienceMedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D., and LoveScience Media, 2011, 2012.
The author wishes to thank renowned sociologist Linda J. Waite for her extensive review of the best marriage-and-cohabitation research in her book The Case For Marriage.
Related LoveScience articles have reviewed other relevant research on cohabitation and marriage, plus becoming High-Status, at these links:
http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/sex-getting-it-losing-it-loving-it-with-results-from-the-lov.html
—Several other LoveScience articles have examined key differences and similarities in marriage and cohabitation, and they’re at this link: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/tag/cohabitation